On Becoming: 40 Years

(Old Man At Sea, Open Edition, by Mark Ludy)

I recently turned 40 years old. As a Millennial man, I assume that I'll be lucky to make it another 40 years. This true mid life has prompted a crisis, of sorts. Because I never expect to live this long in the first place. Like many young people, I thought I'd live fast forever in death as a beautiful corpse.

So when I didn't, I wasn't sure how to react. I fell in love, graduated college, started a career, got married, had children, bought a house, graduated college again, and before I knew it I was here. Exactly where I wanted to be and exactly where I never expected to find myself. A good life with good people and good works. (Even as the world at large descends into madness, corruption, and strife.)

It's a privilege built on survival, tenacity, and sheer luck. So many other people in my life didn't make it. They lost something, someone, or even themselves, in whole or in part. I thought that was my fate. I assumed the struggles I was facing were not just normal, but all that I deserved. I've written elsewhere here about that, if you're interested. It's enough to say that my life isn't what most people would expect when they meet me.

But the questions: so what now?

Well, besides trying to rebuild a better world for my children... I guess I don't have much of a choice but to live my life. It seems strange to say that, like I haven't already been doing that. But I mean fully, finally, embracing all of the parts of me and accepting that I do love them. I love my cringe and weird. I love my stubbornness and skepticism. I love my loyalty and introspection. I love my advocacy and empathy. I even love the mistakes I've made -- and regretted -- that taught me more than any of my accomplishments ever did or will. (I also love the collection of worlds and wisdom I've made and freely shared here.)

I love the person I became after 40 years of life on this earth because it's the same person I've always been. I love the kid I was who didn't get the life he should have, and I grieve for them, and that's why I can love myself, my own children, my wife, my friends, my family, my community, and so much more. Because somewhere deep inside of me, in places I almost forgot existed, there was a seed of love that grew into all of the cracks, crevices, scars, and wounds that I endured over these four decades.

And that love is why. It's my who, what, where, when, and how. It's everything I need and I'm so goddamn lucky to have it.

Because love is what's gonna save the world someday, just like it saved me.

Take note and take care.